It matter and it doesn't.

“Race matters. And it doesn’t” (Course Anthology, 866). So says the quote from Anthony R. Luckett in his personal story of growing up as an Asian American student and foster child in America. When reading through his story and the story of others, like Johnny Lee, I decided to make another perhaps bold statement of my own: Sexual orientation matters. And it doesn’t. Lee tells his own story in “No Such Thing” detailing the pain he had from hiding his homosexuality from everyone around him – including his mother – and how difficult it all was for him. “Back then I did not tell anyone what I was going through because I did not want to be seen as evil.” (Course Anthology, 869). He turned to internet chat rooms which, “became an amazingly refreshing release for [him]. For the first time [he] found a way to talk to other people like [himself],” (Course Anthology, 870). He also found himself at a crossroads with his decision to keep his sexuality hidden when he ended up at a man from the chat rooms’ house nearly getting raped and murdered. At that point, he realized something: “hiding my homosexuality from the world was only going to bring me grief,” (Course Anthology, 872). After he ends up remorsefully admitting to his mother that he is gay, he explains that “I became overwhelmed by a combined sense of relief from having shared this enormous secret and regret for allowing those words to escape from me,” (Course Anthology, 872). His mother’s response? “I don’t believe….I don’t believe….No such thing as the gay Korean. You are lying. There is no Korean gay…” (Course Anthology, 873).

Up until taking this class, I thought my Iife was pretty hard. I was not the smartest in my class – or anywhere near – at a highly competitive high school where grades are analogous to your self worth and got a lot of grief about that from both my parents and my classmates. I was a good swimmer but I suffered from a back injury that forced me – so I thought at the time – out of the sport completely. My brother has all kinds of behavioral problems that make family holidays like Christmas a really upsetting thing. But after taking this class and reading accounts like Johnny Lee’s I have to understand that I have NO idea what “hard” actually is. The truth is, I have lived a relatively charmed, cushy life. I have a few problems, who doesn’t? But I have never had to harbor a secret like Johnny Lee. The kicker of Johnny’s secret is that he is not hiding something he did wrong, nor is he even hiding something he DID at all. He is hiding something that he was born with, like an ugly birthmark or something.(Like a birthmark, Lee's sexuality was something that he could not control but felt he had to be ashamed of. image courtesy of:http://www.makeupsfx.co.uk/products/davysil/davysil_images/birth_mark_02_big.jpg).That his mother decides to bring race into the equation when she tells him that he simply cannot be a gay Korean is something I can barely comprehend, it is so painful. Vincent Ng aptly sums up the combination when he explains that, “The deeper friendships I began to form led to more honest self-disclosure, and I really began to question what it meant to be both a Chinese Canadian male and a sexual being,” (Course Anthology, 884). I personally don’t know the answer to that question, but then again I had never even considered that it would be a question – for I myself as a straight, white individual have never had to deal with the rejection and pain not just of struggling with my sexuality but of reconciling it with my race and culture and lineage – something that is especially important, I have come to understand, in Asian races.

Race matters. Sexual Orientation matters. And yet they don’t. I don’t mean to go all groovy 1960’s on everybody, but so many of these young men’s problems could have been solved if their parents had just LOVED them and not judged them.(Image courtesy of: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggvRI3LOORmO7rces-xqRgYYpQBO6OwGjNZJuxT4jPE1u8Ly0sv78i_w21OcAO1MftCBC_RCetp6mi8165qfRhd3_eAdmPZve2saurZex5Ioe77z8smyHQF5CQyOMRFetS43RyblJt_ks/s1600/hate-crimes-stop-hating.jpg). Each of these men realized that once they came out of the closet or accepted themselves for their race or sexuality or both, life got a lot easier. They realized that neither quality had to define them. I have a great deal of admiration for the individuals I read about tonight and am grateful they decided to take a stand to tell their stories – not just for the gay youth that will hopefully gain strength from them, but for people like me who never comprehended the difficulties of the combination of race AND sexual orientation.